This is a tough post to write.
I don’t talk much about my weight loss journey on my blog for a lot of reasons, but I just had a few things I wanted to vent about, express, ponder……I don’t know.
A while back I lost 100 lbs. And even though it took a lot of effort, something unlocked in my brain that just made it seem easy, or at least doable. Then I met a few setbacks. Some of it had to do with my foot problems, but a lot of it was just the stress of other situations that were happening in the family and different illnesses my children went through. I know it’s all about diet and exercise, but for me, it’s 90% mental, and my mental part seemed to be broken.
Losing weight is a very public thing. No matter how private you want to be about your efforts, everyone sees it, and people comment, and for me that is a big boost. But what happens when you start to slip? When your favorite clothes get to tight and people who meet you glance unconsciously at your belly or thighs. It hurts.
But what is really bothering me now, is that I’m trying to get back that fire, or at least ‘fake it till I make it’.
I learned to lose weight during a relatively calm period in my life. Now I need to do it again,though not quite as much, but with more stress and challenges thrown into the mix. I’m trying to get back in the habit of running, but running is so much harder with the extra weight. I feel it. In fact, sometimes when my legs feel really heavy on a run I pretend I’m training for something and have heavy weights strapped to me. How I wish I could just peel them off at the end of a run!
It is clear to me that I need to learn to deal with my stressors in some other way than eating. Things like the sorrow of being a Mommy who’s children are rapidly growing up and leaving the nest. College, marriage, all signs of my success as a parent, and yet it aches in my heart. Where did my babies go? And then there’s the looming EVENT of my husband’s Army reserve deployment. I never in my life dreamed I would be here, in my forties, kids taking off, and my husband willingly leaving for a year. No matter how I support the honorable roll he wants to play as a soldier, as a woman and wife it hurts a little, and brings baggage of worries.
The Lord has blessed me with many supportive friends and family members, and my high-schooler will still be here to be my pal. I’m trying to dive into décor and art and other things that make me happy. But when it comes to weight, I know I do better if I can just shift into a positive attitude. So I’m trying to attack my Weight Watchers program with renewed energy, remember my daily meditation, take care of myself, and treat myself with things I like that aren’t food related. We all have times when life feels out of control, but I know from experience that I feel better when I am in control of my food.